Radio

I just fell in love with myself again. This is something old I haven't posted.. not sure why because I love it! Hope you love it too!! =D

Radio

I want to cry. Not because I’m hurt. Not because of some physical pain that my incredibly clutzy self has managed to inflict and definitely not because some asshole ripped my heart out and proceeded to dance ‘la cucaracha’ on my heart, still palpitating on the floor. Although, that is how I want to feel. I want salt water gushing form my tear ducts. I should be wondering “why did you go?” and “how could you do this to me?” Even though I don’t know who “you” are because I didn’t write the damn song.

I want to hurt so bad that words can’t describe. Every emotion in your mind, body and soul should emanate from your lips to my ears and I should have to choke back the lump as it crescendos from my throat to my eyes. Every syllable or note you utter better make me feel -- something, because I’m tired of this “fuck bitches and hoes go get you money son” bull shit that they play on the radio. Trying to tell me how to dance when all you do is sway or lean back.

Besides that, I don’t want to dance like my leg is broken, because if it was broken I probably wouldn’t dance like that anyway. Matter of fact I’d sit this one out. You know you would too. And since when was it okay to be a jerk? I mean I realize the moves are kind of rad, old school type moves with new school twist, but I swear you’re using the wrong adjective to describe that dance. A ‘jerk’ is a quick sudden movement, or spasmodic, usually involuntary muscular movement; or a contemptibly naïve, fatuous inconsequential person and if you’re the latter you need to change because nobody likes you.

So I listen to oldies, because I want to feel that flutter in my heart from the butterflies in my stomach caused by the fact that I am so in love. But I’m single, still, and I haven’t met anyone that makes me feel that way in a while, a long while.

I turn my ipod on and listen to Boyz 2 Men making love to me through my earphones, Jagged Edge saying goodbye because it’s better for the both of us and 112 explaining how cupid doesn’t lie and yes I’d totally give it a try except that you’re probably taken and I doubt that the quirky dork of a woman that I am is your type.

I blast Celine Dion in my car because that woman can sing. I sing along to musicals, Disney songs and country. Yes, I listen to country, because Rascal Flatts moves me every time I hear how Sara Beth is scared to death because she is a high school senior with cancer. I love that Steve Wariner reminds me that there’s holes in the floor of heaven and I pray that when I get married it rains. Then I’d know that my daddy is watching over me and I would run outside to let his tears embrace me. I know they’d be filled with happiness that I finally found the right man mixed with sadness and regret that he couldn’t physically be here to walk me down the aisle himself.

I listen to Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Aretha Franklin and yes, Andrea Bocelli because their music, their voice, their essence lifts my soul and: At last my love has come along and I see trees of green, red roses too I see them bloom for me and you and I think to myself mama may have, papa may have, but God bless the child that’s got his own, That’s got his own.

So I don’t listen to the radio. Matter of fact I’m holding a strike against the radio until artist go back to the feel good music that made us laugh and smile. Go back to music that had a message back to lyrics that made me feel -- anything other than pissed off because I am not okay with my 5 year old nephew singing about how he makes the good girls go bad or how he wants birthday sex. Are you?

Come Back

There is a woman I once knew very well
who told every man
if he could grasp her love for a moment
he should hold strong
for in that fleeting moment
he is the luckiest man in the world

I'm bringing her back.

Something I fell in love with

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

Still?

Responses I get for being single.

Still?
As in, "you're still, single?"

What's wrong with you?
As if it's my fault that I'm single.

Why are you so picky?
Why am I not allowed to know what I want and demand to have it.

---

He said, "What do you want in a man?"

"I'll know when I see it," I smiled coyly as if I knew what I wanted and just couldn't articulate it. As much as I would like to believe in the truth of that, it simply isn't true. I don't know for certain what I want. I imagine I would know it when I see it but I also imagine I'd have to see it walking away before I was certain.

It's just that what I want is so simple.
Want me.
Enough to fight. Show me I'm worthy of battle.
Call me Helen and send ships.
Deserve me.

Aside from good looks, intelligence, and charm...
Amuse me.
Be... unexpected.

Throw me off guard
Catch my breath
Stop my heart from running
Convince my mind that this is right

Do... Something
Shock me.
Bring me back to life.

Challenge me to be better when I start to think I'm perfect
Tell me how I'm wrong when I know I'm right.

Support me
and all my crazy ideas

Provide
Stability, safety, security, a place to land
Don't let me be afraid to fail
Don't let me fail

Be stronger
Take me on
I'm a stubborn pain in the ass
and I'll fight you every step of the way
Every urge to let you in
I will fight you

When every basis for a relationship I've seen has fallen, NO, crumbled to pieces because it was held together with silly string it is a miracle I wake up and believe in love.

But if you could stick it out
I would love you, passionately, forever, I would love you.

So I guess, that's what I want.
Want me
Broken, damaged, insecure as I am
Want me anyway.

The Potential

I've never written about this guy because I'm scared he'll read it and know it's him. Now, I hope he reads it so he knows he's made an impact.

The Potential

He is the softest voice
Gentle
Like water on rocks
Sounds like trust
Falling back and knowing I will be caught

He looks like trouble
Staggering
Like driving on black ice
The chill down my back
Just before I jump, terrified, off the waterfall

He feels like change
Sudden
Lightening on sand and water
Turning me to glass
and somehow I'm not afraid to break

He smells like comfort
Southern
Like fireflies in open fields
Hugs you like hot coca and fireplaces
Maybe he won't burn

Stop
with the doubt
Listen
to the pretty words
Allow
for faith

Because here,
Where you are most scared to look
There is potential

The Gamer

I find inspiration in so many random things. I love how this piece evolved from what I intended it to be to what it became. It's so much more fun this way. Anywho, I met this guy the other night and when I first saw him I thought: Well damn, he's cute! Then he tried to dance with me and I was fine with it until some girl came up to him. Now, I've been caught in too many love triangles, I'm not about to make the same mistake again, so I bolted. Then he found me again and he gave me the most adorable cheesy smile and I was hooked. What can I say? My thoughts for the night? Oh this is going to be fun. and it did turn out to be fun. The next day my over active imagination and I got all caught up in a story and then this was born. I'm such a strange little one.

The Gamer

To the man I met last night,

Your most endearing quality
     was that cheese ball smile you gave when you found me for a second time that night.
I saw you as a child
Before you learned to play games
Eventually, it was obvious
You have learned to play too well

So I wrote out our story
Before it could hurt me

I know how it would start

How it would never leave the ground
     because I'd never find the strength to trust the man I see before me
How it could never work
     because you won't know how to let go of the hurt that taught you to play
How we would dance around the fun and excitement of a promise we never meant to make

I know how it would start to end
With us pretending we could be more than friends

But then

I can see how we might begin
We would give each a reason to hold on and try again
We could fight and truly put ourselves on the mend
Getting caught up in the plans we never meant to take

We could start a new stage
You'd drop those player ways
I'd have the faith to look for brighter days

Yet as we'd stand
Staring at the moment urging us to take that leap

My doubtful mind would give me pause
Reminding me that those player arms
     have not the stamina to hold up a novel and stick it through

And I am Novel

I am the woman your boys warned you about
The one who could turn you whole life around
And you, you would just turn my life upside-down

Oddly,
that's not a good enough reason to walk away
     from the challenge I saw in you that night

Bah!

I don't know what to name this.

This whole year, well since I started this blog, the focus has been about dating, but why? Every guy I met was being analyzed for his potential to be the next guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. What have I gotten from this? An inability to keep good people in my life as friends. I've hurt people because I'm standing at a distance analyzing his qualities and potential to be my perfect man. I've pushed people away for fear that they might get too attached because I refused to get attached because the points aren't adding up (don't pretend like you don't have a point system, I know I'm not alone in this). It seems like that's what everyone's been doing though, they call this dating.
Meet someone. Like the one. BAM! Instant relationship after just a few weeks of dating. Then a couple months later you're surprised to find that you're actually not that into each other. WELL DUH! You only knew the person for so long until you decided he/she was the love of your life. When did you take a step back and really get to know this person. I'm not saying super over analyze the situation like I did, but just get to know a person. See if you can just be comfortable as friends even.
Yeah, I get that no one wants to be in the friend zone, but seriously, if the attraction is still there and you guys have gotten to know each other enough that barriers have fallen and you're completely comfortable with one another as friends that's got to count for something, no? However, if you end up being great friends and the attraction is lost you're still left with a great friend. Wouldn't you rather still have that? Instead of having to go through that awkward break up stage and potentially lose a friend? Isn't it better to find out if you're compatible before you start dating? Why risk the heart ache? Yes, you risk falling for someone who might not fall for you but - Okay. I just realized how ridiculous that logic is. BUT I still stand by that first half, the second half admittedly needs work and more thought.
I just, I miss my friends. People I felt comfortable enough to be myself around. To just hang out and be ridiculous with. I don't even want to date anymore. I just want them back. Yes, I miss the comforts that come with dating a guy and having a boyfriend, but more than that, I miss hanging out. I miss talking. I miss not having to worry if this is a date or not. If I have to be on my perfect best behavior or not. Why does dating have to be so complicated?
I don't want to end up in serial 3 month relationships. I know myself, but now I'm doubting myself. My ways of dating are being challenged by the norm. By what people expect from me. I have met so many nice guys that would have, should have, could have been good enough. I just don't feel like good enough, is enough. Good enough sounds like settling.
Of course there is no such thing as perfect. I just want to be able to stand the quirks. How will I know if I can stand them if I'm not allowed to get to know you until we're dating?
My rule of three is silly and stupid, but it makes sense for me. I shouldn't and will no longer apologize for it. Honestly, it'd be for the best, relationship wise, that I stick it through. I need to stop compromising because I'm scared of hurting someone. I need to learn to trust myself again, so it'll stop being so hard to trust other people. I need to go back to the days when I'd friend zone myself.
Especially now that I'm back in school. My focus isn't dating anymore. My focus is my future, and myself. I can't completely run away form the dating world. I'm not even trying to recluse from it, but can't we just be friends for bit? I don't trust you, or anyone, not even myself. How do you expect me to function properly in a relationship?
Part of it is also that I identify as the single girl. I don't know how to be a we and currently I don't plan on changing that. Maybe eventually someone will come along that changes it for me, but it's going to take a whole lot of time and patience, so good luck. I imagine it'll be a long gradual frustrating confusing move from friendship to something more and suddenly I'll forget to focus on I and somewhere we will just fall into place.

Sounds like the beginning of another good poem. I'd try to stay on that track and bust one out but I still have homework which I'm forgoing because someone asked for this post.

Back to the grind.

*SideNote* Not only do I not trust you, but I am thoroughly terrified by the thought of you. You being this fictional being that may or may not come into my life. I'm scared that in the process of me fighting you to the bitter end and refusing to give in, you'll give up. How could I blame you? There would be no one else at fault but myself. Fear has a firm grasp on my heart. It is jailed. What's more, it feels safe. Fear has taught my heart well, given me the key and bade me lock the door from inside. Where, even after fear has let go its grasp and hope has won over my self-caged heart must still be convinced to unlock the door and step out. What a battle. Who would fight for that? When even I would walk away from that.