Growth is painful

I've been learning a lot about how I love this year, which is very a pros po considering I dubbed this the year of love. Growth in general is hard. My friends and I were just talking about it at breakfast today. Growth requires pain. When we're younger and we experience "growing pain" it's physically agonizing. Our bodies are literally ripping apart stretching our muscles and bones. Of course some have more painful experiences than other but those are often the ones who experience incredible growth spurts. I don't remember having growing pains when I was younger. Not physically anyway. I'm also very short, even for a girl. I did have a lot of headaches and emotionally painful experiences so I'd like to think I'm more emotionally mature than others when I allow myself to experience that side of myself. I guess I've just been doing a lot of growing this year. The universe has seen fit to challenge, not only myself, but also a lot of my close friends. The universe is crazy sometimes. This year I've been saying this one saying A LOT: "The universe is very generous in it's lessons. If you cannot learn it the first time the universe will continue to grant you lessons until you do." Often times though, the second lesson is harder than the first. It doesn't get easier. I've heard the universe this year. I'm just not ready to begin the work to demonstrate that the lesson has been learned. Be patient with me Uni. I appreciate the faith you have in my ability to grow, but there have been many lessons this year. This body of work is fragile.

----
Anywho,  I was going to post something old because I wasn't quite sure if I was ready to post this yet. Which is a clear sin that I should definitely post it. (Discomfort = growth). So here it is.

In response: "I can't imagine what it would be like to love someone you knew wasn't going to stay."

SNOWFLAKE

This love is a snowflake

Not because it is unique

But because it  is fleeting

We saw that from the start

Still we opened up our hearts

We knew better

Maybe we just need each other

Something temporarily permanent to hold onto

Grounding us to this moment

To feel like we belonged

To someone or something

Before the world became unraveled

Or is it as simple as we are lonely

We need someone to fill our empty spaces

Lately, we've been asking for more concrete than melting ice

While we dissolve into more temporary than permanent

We can't help it

It's all just slipping through our fingers

We watch

The snowflake slowly ebbing away

We wait

For the right time to let go

We hope

It isn't any time soon

We feel

The cold of the water through our gloves

We know we still need each other

We're still lonely

We would rather have something temporary to belong to

We would rather melt into each other if it would fill our empty places

Grounding us in this moment

Preparing us for the moment

Maybe all love is a snowflake

Because it is fleeting

And we are all snowballs

Taking and giving

Tumbling down a mountain

We just fall

Inspired - Roger Rabbit

I don't know what it is about being surrounded by artistic people, but it always gets my juices flowing. I went back and looked at some of my old work and this one made me smile.

A few years ago I was watching Roger Rabbit and I was inspired by his letter to his wife.

My darling Jessica,

How do I love thee? 

Let me count the ways. 

One one thousand. 

Two one thousand. 

Three one thousand.

Lover,

I promise to never play patty cake with another

For me there is no other

You are where my soul comes to rest 

Put me through any test

I attest that without you my life is a big 'ol mess

That's not true

But I Confess to wanting nothing more 

     than my head on your chest and your arms around my waist

I want to feel you, I want to smell you

Yeah, I said I want to smell you

I want your musk on my skin 

I want to breathe you into my lungs

I want to taste you, ingest you

digest your very essence 

Your presence is toxic and I'm sick from you

For real my stomach's turning and churning 

The butterflies cause my heart to sigh 

There is no cure 

since I could never be sick of you or the illness that is you

Now that I found you 

I realize that the revenue most dear to me is that you're still here with me. 

I'm craving you like a junkie on the streets 

or a seven year old kid who needs sweets

I got to have you in every which way I'm allowed to

I want to take every piece of you in 

because not love you in a sin

And on facebook I became a fan of you 

because there is no button for how completely in love I am with you

You inspire me to keep writing this poetry

Now that's one, two, three, four one thousand

For however long it takes to convince you

I'll start again

Lover.

Eulogy - Hands

Howdy,

I recently experienced a loss and the big BIG emotions that come with it (i.e. grief, depression, sadness). The feelings still creep up on me from time to time and remind me of the great loss I experienced. The huge gaping emptiness that was left behind when she was taken from our family. Death and loss are things I have dealt with my whole life, but this one was devastating. Even a picture that suggest a memory is enough to bring me back to that difficult emotional state. Clearly I'm still grieving. I think it's important to normalize that though. How people grieve and for however long it takes for the grief to ebb away is their path and their journey. We cannot judge. Each loss is different and takes it's toll in various ways. This one is emotionally exhausting. Mostly because I haven't really fully allowed myself to feel everything. WHY? because I'm a scaredie cat! As a therapist I would ask my client what they were so afraid of. I'm afraid of falling apart and it would be devastating and I might struggle to get my pieces back together. I'm just not ready. If I let that feeling out of the box lord only knows what else will come out of Pandora's box.  At any rate the point of my writing all this is my eulogy. It was the hardest thing in the world to write and even harder to speak in front of the people who loved her every bit as I did. I wanted to post it because she was an amazing woman and her legacy deserves to be shared. Here you go.

Hands

When my mother asked me to write Lola’s eulogy, I said yes, with trepidation.  How am I supposed to capture everything this woman meant to so many people in one short speech?  Moreover, how am I supposed to speak it without falling apart? After days of avoiding the tasks and the various emotions that come with it. I realized I can’t. I won’t. More importantly it’s not necessary. Lola was so much to so many people. Her legacy speaks for itself and will live far beyond any of us. So I’ll just say goodbye as eloquently as I can.

Five years ago when Lola first had her stroke, it consumed over half her brain and left her less able bodied than she was accustomed to. She remained in the hospital for about two months as we waited for her recovery.  Even in that state of disrepair, in her state of need, she covered me with blankets when I laid in bed with her. She held my hands reassuringly as if to comfort me as I struggled with the heartbreak of seeing her bed ridden.

I see and feel her hands when I think about her now.  Which is a lot lately. When I was younger her hands were firm and tough, they doled out punishments effectively and as fairly as she could. Lola’s hands taught valuable lessons about perseverance, independence, faith, love, and family.  Her hands were calloused from life and play because she lived a full life without fear or regret that I was allowed to see.

Lola’s hands were fragrant and bejeweled even when she was getting ready for bed, because, as she explained it, “you never know who you’re going to meet in your dreams.” Her hands were open, generous, and selfless.  She provided for her family, neighbors, and strangers.  She gave willingly from what she had available without pause. Whether it was money, her time, or shelter, Lola would provide what she could without hesitation. As I grew older, her hands became soft and playful. They reminded me to enjoy life. To gallivant and adventure now that I had completed school and begun my career. 

It’s strange how a pair of hands can be so much, and that’s just one piece that I will miss. I haven’t even begun to discuss her infectious laughter and joyful smile; or her endearingly curious nature, nor the ease in which she made friends of strangers. There is not enough time. There will never be enough time to enumerate the many ways she has affected me.

At the beginning of this eulogy, I said I was going to say goodbye as eloquently as I could. So I want to end with a story, a suggestion, and a letter. If you don’t know me, I am a mental health therapist and I recently assisted a client to deal with her grief by asking her to look past me and tell her deceased grandmother everything she wished she could have said before her grandmother passed.  It was such a powerful experience to be a part of her healing.  I watched her sigh a breath of relief as she let go of the words and the heavy emotions she had been holding onto for years since her grandmother’s passing.  As we explored her relationship with her grandmother further, we found that she had already said goodbye to her grandmother before she passed. So if you have any words left unsaid, I encourage you to do the same. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to speak to my Lola now:

Dear Lola,

I can only hope that I have an ounce of your grace and goodness.  I strive to be everything you believed I could be and to never disappoint you.  Lola, I wish you could have met my future husband so that he would know the durability of the cloth I was cut from.  I wish my children could have met you and learned from you as I did.  I wish you could have held them so they could know what it felt like to be in the presence of a powerful matriarch. Thank you for loving me as fiercely as you did.  For teaching me about my culture.  Thank you for accepting me as I am without condition.  Thank you for instilling me with strong family values.  I will carry your legacy of kindness, love, faith, generosity, strength, perseverance, fearlessness, and sense of adventure with me always.  I’m so grateful to have had a Lola like you.

See you soon. I love you. Good Bye.

Inconsistency

HALLO!!!

Don't really know who's reading this, but I obviously suck at being consistent.  I looked at my last blog... hahahaha... It's so interesting to look back at the person I have grown from.  What's going on in life recently:

I love my job!
I have amazing friends.
My job pushes me above and beyond the person I thought I could become.
I'm so grateful.

I recently started writing again because of a client.  I debated posting it but, I really like this one.  I have to re write it because we both agreed to write in from another person's perspective.  That's going to be a very difficult and tearful poem to write.  Bring on the growth!

Anywho, I hope y'all enjoy this.

The children of Legend

We were raised on Legend,
by parents with tragic stories
a Lola with an untamable heart
and, if we were lucky, an absentee grandfather.
At a time when child abuse was strictly enforced
rather than regulated.
In a city divided by colors, red and blue.

We were raised, all of us
by parents who worked, or played, or didn't care too much.
So we mothered and fathered ourselves
Exploring the world like gypsies
just far enough to get home first.

We were raised on Legend
less than a block away from the liquor store
We fed ourselves with spare change.
Even our little eyes could see
it was left to us to create change.

We were raised on bus ride adventures with Lola
who did not teach us stranger danger.
we became expert extroverts
despite our inward natures.
She taught us to look both ways before breaking the law
We are not snakes
and families eat together to be together.

On Legend, we became resilient creatures
who came together in crisis, value honesty, trust, faith, and growth
Creatures who support each other
like pillars or roots grounded deep in sturdy soil.

We were raised by Legend
to live wild and adventurous lives
to have fire and drive
to thrive where others merely survive
We are the child of Legend.

P.S.

Dear John,

I know you still read this from time to time.  You should stop. I hope you every happiness in the world.  I have no intention of loving you the way I did in the past. I have no intention of allowing you to hurt me again.  I'm grateful for the growth.  As I've said in the past, I'm moving on.

For the last and final time.  Good Bye.

New Adventure.

I keep saying I'll come back to this, but I can't bring myself to write the way I used to.  I'm starting a new adventure though.  I won't be linking it to this site.  Suffice it to say that it's a bit taboo... Let's see if it kick starts my creative juices and some intriguing stories!









---
P.S.

Dear John,

I know you read this from time to time.  I don't know when the last time you read it was.  You should know.  I'm so angry with you.  One of the last times we spoke I said I'd post this:

"#1 reason I'm still single, I'm still in love with you. "

The thing is, you're still in love with me too.  Despite the fact that you're seeing someone new now because timing is everything and we have THE WORST timing when it comes to wanting to be together, I know you still love me.  I keep thinking back to out movie, Serendipity and some of the last things we said to each other.  Maybe someday I'll finally move on and then you'll come waltzing in like the jackass you are and completely turn my life upside down again.  I hope I'd have the courage to walk away from you.  Or maybe we'll both get the timing right, but of course we'll both be hesitant to try again.  I hope I have the presence of mind to truly think about what that would mean.

Forever yours...

[Your Name Here]

[Your Name Here]

Young child,
Open the dictionary
Write your name in it
     and define yourself
Before anyone else gets a chance
Believe me, this world intends to
     and they will not be kind

Others would make you adjective
     for the sake of objectifying you
They will lust at you
Make you to blame
and list you as synonym to shameful

Before you allow that
Proclaim yourself Noun
Create in your body a Person
     so they may not turn you into a
          place to land
               or
          thing to be owned


#instablog #blogram


I'm still working on the rest of it, but I wanted to post this.  Who knows when I'll finish it.  I've been writing this for some time now.  The right words will come.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice

I will not sacrifice my woman

            for your Manhood

I have worked long and hard

            to create the personage you see before you

I will not make myself less

            for you to feel more

I have no dominion over your ability to become

            Man

And I will not sacrifice my woman for you

-----

Just a little something I'm working on.  I have a few other things in the works as well but this is something I know I'm going to fall in love with.

The rental guy: Another one for the fail blog

It's been what, a month and a half since I've been single again?  I made the decision that I wanted to spend some time alone, not seriously dating anyone in particular.  So the Rental Guy brought up some questions, like: What are my thoughts about casual dating in general right now?

The Rental Guy:
So around the time I became single again some child decided that turning his signal lights on gave him right of way, despite the fact that my car was not only beside his but also slightly ahead of his in the next lane.  Long story short, he hit me.  Now that his insurance company has finally taken responsibility for the accident I get to fix my car ... again!

Now for my fail. Just for reference, Italics are for my internal running thought process/commentary while this was happening .

Enterprise comes to pick me up at the auto shop to take me to get a rental, and he's an okay looking guy.  Adorable face, great smile, and a body like a high school footballer who let himself go a little bit, but could easily get back with a few trips to the gym.  He introduces himself and we start up a conversation.  Good flow with no awkward pauses.  We're in the car driving to Enterprise when it dawns on me, he's totally flirting.  These are getting to know you type questions.  I'm expressing genuine interest type questions. My actions are being perceived as flirty. Honestly, being friendly is not flirting but apparently that is what's going on. PAUSE, said my brain.  Be kind, REWIND.  "Friendly is NOT flirting."  I take a cue from myself and reframe.

He's being friendly. Duh silly girl it's his job to start up a conversation and be courteous.

The thought of flirting is dismissed and I settle back into the flow of conversation.  There's still a vibe I can't quite kick,  but I ignore it in the interest of politeness.  Once the short drive is through, we head into the office and complete the necessary paperwork, and he goes to get a car.  He then calls me to the desks and informs me that he accidentally charged me the full deposit amount of 350$. Holy Crapola! I'm glad that went through, otherwise I'd be really embarrassed right now.  After apologizing and refunding the proper portion of that deposit, he takes me to the car. A Dodge Charger!! Are you Freaking Kidding ME!!! I'm so excited!

When he's done inspecting the car, he continues apologizing, letting me know that he feels really bad about everything and that he's going to cover the taxes, write that there was no gas in the car and I could bring it back empty and basically not have to pay very much if anything at all upon returning the vehicle. SCORE! but weird/extreme.  I thank him for the generous offer and validate that he was probably distracted and working on autopilot it wasn't necessary but I truly appreciate it. We hop in the car and he drives me to the exit where he says :

"Well I live in (place that isn't too far from me which he knows because I had to give him my address earlier).  I don't know if you have a boyfriend or anything, but if you ever wanted to hang out .."

The rest kind of trails away because I'm in my own world trying to figure out what the right thing to say is and What the hell just happened? I knew it! I freaking knew it! What the hell do I do now? What actually came out of my ingenious unfiltered mouth?

"No, I don't."

Seriously? What the hell was that an answer to? No, I don't want to hang out with you.  or No I don't have a boyfriend. Clearly I knew what it meant but did he?

The following exchange was boring, a handshake, direct eye contact, nice meeting you..  perfect opportunity to put it back in his court with a quick "well you have my number."  That's not what happened though. I shook his hand and waved awkwardly from the driver's seat.  That's another one for the fail blog.  I guess it starts now.  As far as the question posed earlier, I'm not sure I'm quite ready to start casually dating just yet, but I'm loving the boost in my ego gents. THANKS!

#blogram #instablog #datingfailbloglives #herewegoagain #didimentiontherewasanotherpassengerduringthatcarride #therewasasecondpassenger #hewasanothercustomer #secondlevelawkward

Complacency

Dear Webster,

You fail to accurately define the term "Complacency."
Included are my revisions to your text.  Please note:

Complacency (N):
1. Silent murderer of once passionate relationships.
Synonym: Friendship
Antonym: Lover
Complacency (V):
2. The act of unwittingly replacing passion with the milder emotion, affection.
Synonym: Negligent, Selfish
Antonym: Attentive, Caring

No credit needed. Simply edit text promptly so as not to create any further confusion.

Best Regards,

Those who have learned and hope to be better.

Ain't Nothing (What loving you has taught me pt.1)

Hint about who I might be writing about: Who is the first person you should learn to love before you even attempt to love another human being thoroughly and entirely?

Ain't Nothing

I'm sorry, were you looking at me?
Did you find something wrong?
Did you see a mistake?
Am I not the right size?
Am I not the right hue?
Yes! I'm talking to you.

Did you find a glitch in your little niche?
No?
Yeah, that's right.
Because there is nothing wrong with the length of my legs
or the width of my waist.

No, there is nothing wrong with the thick of my thighs
or my handles of love.
I see no annoyance in the deep of my eyes
the round of my face
and flat little nose

I feel no big problem in the strength of my pride
and have no reason to hide
It seems we're not that different
you and me.
So I guess there ain't nothing wrong with me.

#blogram #Singlelarity #WLYHTM

Loving you series

Hi!!!

So, I've decided that I'm going to do a series of poems over the course of the next few months. I shall call this series: What loving you has taught me.  If you remember I wrote a poem near the end of last year by that same title.  But if you forgot about it or didn't read it I turned the title into a link so reread it... don't reread it.... or... reread it  just to be nice. Anywho, the poems in this series will be about people who have touched my life, either negatively or positively, it'll just depend on who it's about.  I won't ever tell you who the person is, just what the experience of knowing him/her has been like and what they've taught me.  I'll start next month so I can actually get to writing one.  I'm excited about this and I think it'll be helpful as far as work is concerned.

Toodles!

A Bloggers evolution

Well, as you all know, I am no longer single. So why keep up with this blog? The meaning Single-larity has changed several times in the few short years I have had it. At first it was a dating fail blog. Then it was about becoming comfortable with my singleness. Then I realized this blog was never about dating or the fact that I was single at all. I started this blog as a means to evolve and grow within myself. Admittedly I don't keep up with it as much as I should but changes are being made.

You see, though we are all connected and intertwined, we are all single entities. If we cannot learn to find comfort in ourselves and love the persons we are creating we cannot hope to or even dream to find another human being who will love us, entirely for who we truly are (run-on sentence). How can they, if we are not comfortable enough to show others our true faces. I am personally guilty of wearing many masks. I was raised to believe that there was an appropriate time and place to behave certain ways. Recently, however, I've learned that being completely myself is all I have to be. In certain circumstances I act in varying degrees of myself but never in a way that is contrary to who I believe myself to be.

Thus, Single-larity is here to stay. To evolve as I evolve and become whatever I need it to become. I hope you continue to follow my journey. It has been a good journey and I'm positive it will continue to be.

Till next time Lovies.

Toodles!

-Greey

Lessons from a dog and a Writer's insecurity

http://instagram.com/p/X7XI91srks/

Hello Blogoshpere!

Where have I been?! It has taken me entirely too long to get back here. I mean literally. I could not for the life of me figure out my password or email for that matter. It was getting ridiculous! But I figured it out and here I am! YAY!

This month is National poetry month!!! and I'm way behind on the 30 poems for 30 days. I'm not too sure if I can even do 30 but I sure will try!! They'll most likely be rough cuts and unfinished work but at least I'm trying?

Before I get to the two poems I have for you today I would just like to say Grad school is hard. It's hard to focus on, hard to get started on, hard to get through, but anything worth doing usually isn't easy. Am I right? Also, I love Da Poetry Lounge. I haven't been there in MONTHS and it still feels like home. Going there feds my soul and sets a fire under my butt to remind me "Hey! Aren't you a writer too? Where's your work? Why are you slacking?" Anyway, it's time to get to cooking so the next time I go home I have something for the table, because it's a potluck (I never knew really knew how to spell that word till now, disgraceful!). There has to be some give in my take. OK! without further ado! Poem one!

Lessons from a dog

Dear Betsy,

Your ears are too long

You shed far too much

You bark for no reason

You don't always listen

You're a big fatty brat

     'cause I spoil you like that

You're a silly little spaz

     which makes me laugh

Most notably

You bravely run out into the world

though you're tiny and scared.

I wish I were more like you

but slightly more prepared.

That was a fun one to write. Alright, if you're ready for it.... Poem deux... 

A writer's insecurity

I do not like the sound of my own voice

in my mousier years, I didn't know it existed

Am I proud of my voice?

In the confines of my room where I whisper words to corners that echo back my praises,

Yes. Emphatically, YES!

But here, where others ears might listen

Other opinions seem to matter

Where other poems have battled for supremacy

I fear it is not poet enough to stand amongst the rest

It does not crack at the tender moments

It does not raise for emphasis

It does not wreak of strong enough woman battling or hurdling obstacle

I fear it knows only petty love songs

and though I love petty love songs

I wish my voice were larger

So it could move people to tears

Or to action in the name of a just cause like

Love yourself

Fun times! Ok... 30 poems for 30 days. Two down? 28 more to go. 

Thanks for reading y'all!

Greey <3

Onward and Upward

It's February!!

And for the first time in a long time I will not be celebrating Singles Awareness Day!!!

So what has the new year brought? Let's see.

The year of BIGGER BETTER BRIGHTER has ended and what a year that was. Everything truly was bigger better and brighter. I went back to school (and I'm doing well i might add). I met a several interesting people, made a few new friends, Jon Doe came back into my life (dun dun dun!!!!), wasn't able to forgive him (turns out that was for the best). I spent an entire month and a half in HAWAII!!! What an experience that was. I fell in love. Yes, I fell in love!! With an amazing guy who is so good to me and so perfect. It was absurdly unnerving at first but I'm learning to settle into it. I might very well be in the honeymoon stage still and thus profoundly disgustingly in love, BUT I LOVE IT!! I would like very much to stay here because for once I'm not scared! I feel safe, how often does that feeling come along? For me, that's hardly ever.

So what shall the new year hold? Let me tell you!

The year of ONWARD AND UPWARD has begun!!! There's no where to go but up up UP!! The past few years I've been on the way up, it's been difficult to see at times but the progress was there. There have definitely been bumps and bruises and huge massive gashes that bled an awful lot of my soul out but the universe is kind and always gave back. I have, as I have always had, my beautiful ever loving family and close friends. Despite how frustrating they are I'm so grateful to have them all. THUS, onward and upward to an even better future full of possibility, which may also include heartbreak, or ever lasting love. For sure it includes greater strides toward accomplishing my dreams and becoming successful so I have nothing but high hopes for myself and my loved ones and YOU!

Onward and Upward friends!

Take the uncertainty with you because, lets be honest, as scary as it can be it leads to some pretty interseting times.

Till next time!

What loving you has taught me

What loving you has taught me.

I am the jealous type.

If by jealous you mean, you are aliar and have not given me reason to trust you

So forgive me if I take your words with the grain of salt and set them on my open wounds in case I forget what it feels like to believeyour pretty pretty words.

I am needy.

If by that you mean you are absentand I can never tell what I mean to you.

So please, reassure me again that Iam the only woman in your life even though that woman’s facebook cover photobegs to differ.

I am impatient.

But in that you must admit you are cheater.

Bidding me wait a breath longer andthough my lungs are getting stronger my face is turning blue and my fingers aregoing numb and I can’t reach you. Then again, there might not be anyone toreach out to.

I am alone.

In loving you I am alone, along withevery other woman you hum sweet nothings too. We are alone waiting in beds yousometimes come home to. Sadly, alone sometimes feels better than remembering Ilove you.

I love you.

By that I mean I love me - enough tofind the strength to walk away from doubt and fear and a past of jealousy,need, impatience and loneliness. I adore me enough to grow and put my own damnself on a pedestal and praise the woman who could have loved you sounconditionally. I worship me and by that I mean I forgive my faults andglorify my strength because stupidity is sometimes a fault of love, and love isthe ultimate gift.

I am a gift you didn’t deserve.