I don't know what to name this.
This whole year, well since I started this blog, the focus has been about dating, but why? Every guy I met was being analyzed for his potential to be the next guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. What have I gotten from this? An inability to keep good people in my life as friends. I've hurt people because I'm standing at a distance analyzing his qualities and potential to be my perfect man. I've pushed people away for fear that they might get too attached because I refused to get attached because the points aren't adding up (don't pretend like you don't have a point system, I know I'm not alone in this). It seems like that's what everyone's been doing though, they call this dating.
Meet someone. Like the one. BAM! Instant relationship after just a few weeks of dating. Then a couple months later you're surprised to find that you're actually not that into each other. WELL DUH! You only knew the person for so long until you decided he/she was the love of your life. When did you take a step back and really get to know this person. I'm not saying super over analyze the situation like I did, but just get to know a person. See if you can just be comfortable as friends even.
Yeah, I get that no one wants to be in the friend zone, but seriously, if the attraction is still there and you guys have gotten to know each other enough that barriers have fallen and you're completely comfortable with one another as friends that's got to count for something, no? However, if you end up being great friends and the attraction is lost you're still left with a great friend. Wouldn't you rather still have that? Instead of having to go through that awkward break up stage and potentially lose a friend? Isn't it better to find out if you're compatible before you start dating? Why risk the heart ache? Yes, you risk falling for someone who might not fall for you but - Okay. I just realized how ridiculous that logic is. BUT I still stand by that first half, the second half admittedly needs work and more thought.
I just, I miss my friends. People I felt comfortable enough to be myself around. To just hang out and be ridiculous with. I don't even want to date anymore. I just want them back. Yes, I miss the comforts that come with dating a guy and having a boyfriend, but more than that, I miss hanging out. I miss talking. I miss not having to worry if this is a date or not. If I have to be on my perfect best behavior or not. Why does dating have to be so complicated?
I don't want to end up in serial 3 month relationships. I know myself, but now I'm doubting myself. My ways of dating are being challenged by the norm. By what people expect from me. I have met so many nice guys that would have, should have, could have been good enough. I just don't feel like good enough, is enough. Good enough sounds like settling.
Of course there is no such thing as perfect. I just want to be able to stand the quirks. How will I know if I can stand them if I'm not allowed to get to know you until we're dating?
My rule of three is silly and stupid, but it makes sense for me. I shouldn't and will no longer apologize for it. Honestly, it'd be for the best, relationship wise, that I stick it through. I need to stop compromising because I'm scared of hurting someone. I need to learn to trust myself again, so it'll stop being so hard to trust other people. I need to go back to the days when I'd friend zone myself.
Especially now that I'm back in school. My focus isn't dating anymore. My focus is my future, and myself. I can't completely run away form the dating world. I'm not even trying to recluse from it, but can't we just be friends for bit? I don't trust you, or anyone, not even myself. How do you expect me to function properly in a relationship?
Part of it is also that I identify as the single girl. I don't know how to be a we and currently I don't plan on changing that. Maybe eventually someone will come along that changes it for me, but it's going to take a whole lot of time and patience, so good luck. I imagine it'll be a long gradual frustrating confusing move from friendship to something more and suddenly I'll forget to focus on I and somewhere we will just fall into place.
Sounds like the beginning of another good poem. I'd try to stay on that track and bust one out but I still have homework which I'm forgoing because someone asked for this post.
Back to the grind.
*SideNote* Not only do I not trust you, but I am thoroughly terrified by the thought of you. You being this fictional being that may or may not come into my life. I'm scared that in the process of me fighting you to the bitter end and refusing to give in, you'll give up. How could I blame you? There would be no one else at fault but myself. Fear has a firm grasp on my heart. It is jailed. What's more, it feels safe. Fear has taught my heart well, given me the key and bade me lock the door from inside. Where, even after fear has let go its grasp and hope has won over my self-caged heart must still be convinced to unlock the door and step out. What a battle. Who would fight for that? When even I would walk away from that.
