Hermosa

How I love you Hermosa. You have been so good to my ego lately. I still can't help but be ridiculously shy when I'm approached by a guy, though. I think it's really nice that some guys still know that the "first move" is their move. BUT it was also fun testing out lines from my Christmas present Pickup lines and Come-ons for all Occasions. I can't believe how many people actually respond to that stuff. It's not all crap, of course I'm sure most are tried and true lines. I've probably even heard some of my male cousins use them with success, but they're pretty boys so it's no doubt it works.


Flattery. If you're trying to hit on a girl please don't use "NEGS" that's just lame. Especially if you see that the girl is just trying to have a good time with her friends. Flattery will get you places. She'll smile or laugh and be obliged to, AT THE VERY LEAST, thank you for the compliment. Now if she's a hard biznatch that just doesn't seem to want to have fun then I'm not sure how to help you there. I'm not even sure why you'd want to approach her.

Then again, maybe her face is just naturally angry. You're thinking DAMN you're mean Greey, but I'm not. You probably know exactly what I talking about too. Some people's face are just naturally angry looking but when they smile it's as if someone turned a light on. Suddenly, this mean hard core biznatch is a gorgeous sweet loving woman you want to get to know. So if you said something like "I bet you look even better when you smile" you'd find yourself in a nice conversation or "conversation" which ever you're looking for. If I was standing alone and I didn't know anyone I'm sure my equilibrium face wouldn't be a smile but if you said that to me, SHIZZZ I'd blush! You know, if I were of the blushing persuasion.

Also, I've found that it's easier to act as a wing to someone than to try to find a man for yourself or myself  because I'm just talking about me here. If I go out thinking I'm going to find a guy to dance with tonight; I get nervous! On the other hand, if I think hey, let's find (insert friends name here) a toy for the night, then I'll just be casually flirting with people; trying to introduce them to my friend so there's no pressure on me! YAY! I love that.

Anyway, last night was more of a win for me than a fail so GOOD TIMES!!

Being single during the holidays is still kind of a drag. As long as I'm single, though, I'm going to have a blast =D Faltering and failing the whole way through.

Lack of response

BTW I'm upset! I asked you... my FRIENDS to help me and give me advice on how to attract the attention of a certain person and no aid was given! You suck!

No matter, though. I'm over it. But you suck!

Probably shouldn't say that to my readers.. but I know you'll love me anyway. =D

Tired

Is it so bad to want to actually settle down already? At 25?

Seriously, I'm tired of this dating world it just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm too picky. But I have every right to be, no? Why do I always feel like such a man when I date around. OR Why does that matter? I know if I were a guy doing the things I'm doing it wouldn't matter but being of the other gender I find myself censoring my actions. No, don't do that it isn't lady like.You really shouldn't act that way, men won't find you attractive. I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore.

You know when people tell you to be single so you can "find out what you want" or "figure out who you are". Well, I wish they also told you what to do afterwards.What is to be done with all the knowledge you've gathered on your journey to enlightenment? This is the stalemate I've reached. Just a bit over two years of "finding myself" and "figuring out what I want" has left me completely aware of who I am and what I want. However, it has also left me alone, still, and tired.

I never realized how many Mr. Right now's there were in the world.

Why is it so hard to find a connection, a true honest connection on every level and an attraction of a compelling, not to be confused with lustful, nature regardless of looks or bank roll. Not that I've ever been a shallow gold digging woman. But, where are the men with ambition? Not the men chasing greed and wealth. But the men with dignity and loyalty? Is it really too much to ask for the kind guy who'll open doors for you and pay for your dates (even if I pay for the movie and you pay for the dinner) AND still be moderately physically attractive. I can't believe how much I took all that for granted when I was younger, chivalry.

Media is teaching men to suppress their gallant and chivalrous nature and telling women that somehow, that isn't what they're looking for. Then because women are so accustom to dating assholes they don't know what to do when they meet a true to life nice guy and they break him and an asshole is born. Same with men, they've forgotten what a real woman looks and acts like so when they find one they take advantage and take for granted, thus a good woman is broken and the cycle continues. The nice gal is broken by the asshole and thus becomes the bitch who breaks the good guy who becomes the asshole blah blah blah.

In all this ranting I just realized. I'm not sure if I'm putting up defenses and thus not allowing myself to feel the connection or if there just really isn't a connection. I'm horrible!! Grrrr!!!

Actually, my friend asked me a question and it was just the right question to drag the truth out. Damn.

I know I'm random. Why are you friends with such a strange person?!! Sheesh!

Three strikes... I' m bored.

I really don't have anything to post about as far as dating goes. I haven't been out too much so meeting new people hasn't been a major focus. Mostly, I stay home and take care of my grandmother. Props to all the nurses out there that make a living out of taking care of the elderly. I could NOT do this for the rest of my life. I think I'd go insane. Especially if the person wasn't my grandmother, or mother but luckily my mother is well and I don't have to take care of her.

So the point of my blog today.. "Three strikes... I'm bored"? What is that supposed to mean. Well, I took a look back into my high school "relationships" and realized none of them lasted more than three months. Naturally, I asked myself, WHY?!

Down Time

Hello Blogosphere!!!Why have I not been Blogging lately?!?! Well, because movies lie!! It's not all dating and courting and meeting new people all the time when your single. There is A LOT of down time. When you're single you will be spending a considerable amount of time NOT dating or meeting any one new; especially when your too shy to approach people, and by people, I clearly mean men.

Why break the silence if I'm not dating? BECAUSE I'M TOTALLY CRUSHING ON MY INSTRUCTOR!! Nothing will come of it because he's a Krav Maga instructor and I get the giggles and he probably thinks I'm ridiculous BUT I want to try.

Okay, so the real reason I'm breaking my silence: HELP ME!!!!

I'm serious about getting a date with him, unless of course he's taken. However, I don't want to be hella obvious about the fact that I'm on the prowl. I've only ever met him once. We're in a class setting so really I'd only have a passing moment to get myself an in. I'm not trying to throw myself at him I just want to subtly suggest that I'm single and he should ask me out. How do you do that without outright saying it?

So yes. Tips? Suggestions? Post them and I'll tell you what I used and how it worked, or didn't work.

*Side note* This isn't about getting laid. Remove your minds from the gutter! =P

Kay, thanks for the help y'all. Can't wait to see what y'all come up with.

Persephone

This isn't done yet. I'm still working on it but I really like it and I've been dying to type it up and share it with you all!! I'll keep working on it till I'm in love, but for now I have a really big poetic crush on it!! =D ENJOY!

In Response: “People run away just to see if anyone is following”

From someone who has run away often. I found that he will never follow far enough. Going only as far as I am willing to put out but never as far as when I hold back. So when I meet a man I wonder, would he follow as far as my fears will take me. Then push me beyond my nightmares to make me frightened of more than I ever thought to fear because I never knew I had so much courage. I never imagined I could be so brave. To face my demons, bones trembling, voice quivering resolve unsure but still face to face with that which haunts my evenings rest. Face to face and ready to take the test.

I never ask a man what he dreams like; I know he dreams big beautiful techni-color futures like I do. I’d rather know what he nightmares like. Reality vivid. Gasping for air. Heart race. Turn around and see his killer’s face. So clear he can pick it out of a line up. It is Fear. It is Pride, Anxiety, Stubbornness, Vanity. It is You. If you’re honest, you know that it’s true.

Do his night terrors scream out loud like: I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. But if I am? What happens when dreaming ends and all I am left with is nightmare? I don’t think I ever want to get there.

Is that why you never quite let yourself go there?

Luckily, I make my own dreams come true. That is not what I want from you.
Not a hero through and through, just the strongest man in you, to follow me Persephone beyond the grass and shady trees. Hold me till the quaking ends and I can stand and fight again the demons that are now at hand. 

Just a kiss... ?!?!

... That I didn't want!!! or ask for!!

Scenario:

My mom set me up on a date. Yeah, already a bad idea right? But I figured why not try it out? I had just started dating again I wasn't really meeting anyone new and I had met the guy once before so why not! Not like it was a blind date with my mom's co-worker's relative. Oh hindsight how I wish you were foresight.

The beginning of the night went really well. The "date" went well also. He picked me up from home. We went to this sushi place and it was yummy! They were closing so we went to Denny's for dessert. Since we were having fun we went to this other Japanese place and before we knew it, it was 2 ish?

The problem wasn't the date. Or him for that matter I guess. The problem was when I started thinking, Hey, this guys kinda awesome. We could end up being really great friends. 


And there it was. He was mentally friend zoned. I don't know exactly when or where it happened but it did. I just didn't see us getting any closer than we already were at that moment. I thought he was on the same page. I mean there was no connection! I thought!

Apparently, we were on two very different pages. Maybe two different books because when he dropped me off at my door I was going in for a hug and the next thing I knew I was being kissed!

What the ef word! How did I send out the wrong signals? Was I being too friendly? Did I not lean away far enough? I GUESS NOT!!!

The moments that followed were awkward. The kiss was a peck but it was enough to make the next words he uttered cause me to shy farther away from him in reluctance to say "Not anytime soon".

"Well I had fun, when can we do this again?"

Goodness never I hope.

The kiss at least. I would have been okay with us hanging out again as friends. He was a great guy. Just not great to be my guy?!?! I don't know I just didn't feel the chemistry.

Why do I consider this a fail? I failed at properly displaying that I didn't see this relationship going any further than friendship. What was I supposed to do though?

Minor DELAY-mas: STITCHES!!!

Minor DELAY-mas: STITCHES!!!: "Okay. I've been trying to find something to say other than LMAO or LOL. Honestly, it's getting lame. Here are some reason's why. 1. No one..."

Times when I feel most Single

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/the-times-when-i-feel-most-single/

I haven't got through reading this yet but from what I have read, I LOVE IT!!! This guys got me in stitches agreeing to everything he's saying.

I feel most single when I'm getting ready to go somewhere and I'm dressing up really pretty. Then I realize I don't have anyone to dress up for. Seriously what am I doing? Dressing up for the hot guy who isn't noticing me? Yeah, there's more but I want to read this guys thought catalog first. ENJOY!

You know you're fail when....

Wow... I was hanging out with my gay straight friend. He's my gay straight friend because he supplies the companionship of a gay friend who is COMPLETELY platonic but he's straight. Not many people understand our relationship but if you have a gay straight friend, you know what I mean. Okay, then before that I was talking to my cousin; this is what I've learned from talking to them about my first free drink from a bartender EVER!!!! (Read about that in Social Cues)

I FAIL!

According to my gay straight friend I am one of the flirtiest girls he knows EXCEPT when it comes to guys I might actually be interested in OR might actually be interested in me.

According to my cousin, he knows how to flirt with men better than I do.

Case and point:

GSF tells me the perfect line to have said to the bartender to get a conversation going INSTEAD of running away.

"So do you give free drinks out to every girl?"

OR some sly remark similar to that. What ever so I couldn't come up with it on my own because I FREAKED OUT! I got nervous I wasn't sure?!?! It's like that Ikea commercial, when the lady thinks she's getting everything at way too good of a deal that maybe she's stealing stuff. It's not a bargain, IT'S A STEAL!! So she's running out the store calling to her husband to start the car because she thinks she's stealing. Yeah, that's how I felt! Lame but I don't have cool moves. Deep down in the cockles of my soul...

The Other Paramedic's Fail

So this time I myself did not fail. HE failed.

We were taking my gma from TCC to another facility and I was a little stressed because I didn't want my gma to leave that facility. There was also just a lot going on that day. I was at my cousins graduation. Oorah!! You're a marine cousin!!! You're amazing I love you!!!

Right so the story. I rushed what should have been a two hour drive and turned it into about an hour and a half with a little traffic. Also, I just wasn't in the happiest of places and I'm sure it was visible to the world. I tried to stay calm but so much was rushing through my mind. Like, how am i going to get to the viewing later if i just gave my cousin my car? What is this new place like and will they take care of my gma? I wonder how my stressed out mother is holding up. Just you know A LOT!

So we're in the back of the ambulance and he's asking me questions about my gma. Relevant questions. Any recent surgeries. Illnesses, allergies the like. he was trying to be kind and keep my mind occupied but I could tell he was also trying to ask me out because every so often the conversation would turn to me. Questions like so what were you doing in San Diego? What are you doing this weekend?

Minor DELAY-mas: Persephone

Minor DELAY-mas: Persephone: "This isn't done yet. I'm still working on it but I really like it and I've been dying to type it up and share it with you all!! I'm keep wor..."

The Paramedic... and the other Paramedics fail.

For the record, I was thinking mostly about my gma.

My gma had been at a transitional care center for a while and on this particular day we were headed to the main hospital to get her swallow test done, basically just a test to see if the food goes down the right tube when she swallows. There were two paramedics or EMT's I don't really know the difference, but let's assume they were paramedics, one was a female the other a male. We were all talking and keeping a regular conversation going. I was mostly concerned about my gma but we were all talking about relationships and being single; turns out she's taken but he's not. He and I start talking about being the only single people in our groups. It seemed like innocent conversation but there were flirty looks here and there, sly comments. Honestly, he was cute, truly tall dark and handsome, but I'm not the type to just say "Damn you're cute we should go out sometime". Especially when my gma is right there! I felt SUPER guilty just mildly flirting with the guy. Every so often I'd stop talking to him and talk to my gma.

OH EM GEEE!!! I forgot the best part about meeting this guy. Well its the best part for you but not for me. I was thinking there was a reason I wanted to tell this story because it was epically funny but I couldn't remember why BUT now that I do, let's backup a bit.

Social cues

So, I have a lot to post but I haven't had the time. Life is crazy sometimes. For now we'll keep it short.

I was in Vegas recently with my cousins and one of them pointed out that I lack the ability to discern social cues. I guess maybe I already knew this buy it sucks that other people notice it too.. =/

Bartender and pictures:

DELAY-mas

I'm starting to organize my thoughts a little. Just a little. If you find that some pieces or blogs aren't on this page anymore it's because it's on some other random blog that I accidentally created and decided to use.

Come find me. Interesting. Amused. Bored. Con fused. Unique. Struggling through life's minor, and not so minor dilemmas.

Minor DELAY-mas

Thanks y'all!

Flirty old men

Old men who just don't give a damn what young people think of them make me laugh.

I was walking out of BOA and this old man stared at me as I passed and proclaimed, "Beautiful". Not subtly under his breath but loud enough for others passing to hear. It wasn't all creeper old man status either. It was kinda gross but I was flattered.

About a year or so ago, when I first started working retail an older gentleman, not old but older, approached me and asked "May I pay you a compliment?" Thinking it had more to do with the quality of service being provided at my store than me peronally, I allowed it. To my delight it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. If anyone every actually did what he proposed, we'd be enggaged, if not married before the year's end, assuming the courtship went well, he got alongwith my family and he continued to be a gentleman.

"You're a beautiful woman. If I were a younger man, in my early 20's as I assume you are, I would be in here everyday with a dozen roses until you agreed to date me. I just thought you should know."

The man had me swooning and hoping for a younger gentleman like that to exist and find his way to me. Sigh. Too bad chivalry is dying and "men" these days have no concept of what true chivalry and courtship is.

But I'm still holding out.

Glogger app!!

Yay!! There's a blogger app FINALLY!!

Being nice to customers

This is what I get for being nice to customers. JUST being nice! Not even flirting. I was helping a fellow Filipino find clothes for a female friend. He asked if I was Filipino and I debated lying because generally my people try to get all buddy buddy with their people and then BAM ask for additional discounts. I know this because my mom does it A LOT.
Anyway I didn't lie but, reason number two that I wanted to lie: he started talking in Tagalog, the Philippine national language, I don't like speaking Tagalog at work. Once I do that I've strengthened the "bond" with not only him but EVERY OTHER Filipino in the store. UGH! And then they ALL want discounts. Sigh.
But THIS is what I get for being nice. To break away from this character and help other customers I asked if he needed help with anything else. He said "no just your number". So I laughed making it seem like I thought he was joking, but he's Filipino. Filipino men don't joke about that. I know this for a fact, and so does every other Filipino out there. So ladies, you've been WARNED!!! At any rate I leave and spend a lot of time avoiding him while he's still shopping.

Where is your husband?

So a few weeks ago I was visiting with my gma and she said "Where is you husband?"

Well... What had happened was... I'm the only granddaughter you have that DOESN'T have a a boyfriend. Not even someone I'm "talking to".

All I could say was "Remember we talked about this. I don't have one."

Lola: Oh, he left you? Why? What did you do?
Me: I didn't do anything! and I left him.
Lola: You should get married
Me: Well, if you want to help me with that feel free.

WHAT THE EF MAN?!?! Why is she assuming that I did something wrong? GEEBUS!!!

It's my fault I guess, all I did for the longest time was complain to her that I didn't have a boyfriend and talk to her about everyone else and their boyfriends. I just ran out of things to say and updates on what happened that day. My life is relatively boring. Work. Sleep. Work. Sleep. Sometimes I go out but nothing too crazy these days. Everyone elses' lives are just so much more interesting so I talk about them and their fun lives with their significant others.

It's just amusing that the first thing my gma said to me that day was "Where is your husband?"

Really Lola? Salt. Wound. Compress.

That hurt! =/

Taken

I feel safe posting this because this guy has no facebook and I'm changing his name. But tell me why EVERY TIME I like someone these days or think that someone has the potential to turn in to something, he's taken?!?! SERIOUSLY! Why are you flirting if you're already taken! Men are such teases. Maybe I'm just insane. You be the judge!

ME: Eh. wats the dress code for tonight?
...
M: Oh shit sorry you're not (insert female name that can be mistaken for a boys name here)!
GUY: Lol close enough. I was gonna tell u dress code was lingerie with fish net stockings... Strictly enforced. And for the girls its dress to impress
M: hahahahahaha LMAO!!! They should be wearing hooker heels too... fish nets aren't the same without them... or so i'm told.
G: Wow... Thats a confident suggestion. Like experience was the main motive to give such advise

Remember Me

Dedicated to my cuzzo AJ I can't wait to see you at your graduation! I'm so proud of you for making it through. YOU'RE GOING TO BE A MARINE!!! I'm scared to death for you but mostly I'm so proud of you!

Remember Me

Remember me kindly and I'll do the same
When wind whispers stories wild and untamed
Trees will tell wings and they'll go a flight
Causing altered young leaves to rustle and fight

Allow rain sleet and snow to wash clear you mind
Dark clouds cannot harm you there's no need to hide
When sun will not shine above Earth and Sea
Pull forth from your memory what we used to be

Recall all the times when we sat and we smiled
The sweet conversation that used to run wild
Come back to this moment, this dust of joy
And beam though you feel like a pawn or a toy

I am the chatter, I am the friend
I am the love giving life till the end
When your soul is shattered like pieces of glass
I'll be there to help gather the mass

Once the time comes for our inevitable part
I"ll be the laughter deep down in your heart
I'll ease the pain; I'll help you smile
So hope and blithe may claim you awhile

--
I had to dig into my '05 vault to find this for him but i'm glad i found it. I think maybe I'll post some other old stuff as well. =D

CUZZO CLAN IS THE BEST FAM BAM!

On Staying

Hey. Remember when I said I loved you, and I lied. I swear I didn’t mean it; the lie, not the love. I fully intended to love you. I went through all the emotions. Forced myself to feel the pains but it turns out my love was lame. As in lying broken and defeated.

Somehow, through all the lies your love was true. I could see it running deep in you. I wanted to run to it too but I ran from it. You scared the bejesus out of me getting down on one knee proposing that we should marry. How unfair would that be? You loving all of me.

I guess I didn’t love you see, I loved you like: get your ass out of bed. I can’t date a fool and your mom is breathing down my neck because you haven’t graduated yet.

I should have loved you like: Stay, stay. Don’t you ever go away. I want our future to always be this way.

New direction

I found that in between my failures in dating I can also use this as a means to show case my poetic ability?!? Why be a one trick pony?!?

So from here on out I shall also share my poetry so I can poetically fail at dating. Yay me!

EPIC FAIL!

So I was looking through my Facebook to find a post about this particular fail of mine.. I guess it wasn't a post it was a text or something I wrote somewhere else but looking through it I realized that my biggest and most EPIC fail moment... is not noticing that the guy I spent a majority of my life crushing on actually did like me back!... there were hints EVERYWHERE but I'm the worlds biggest idiot. How did I not see that?

It's not even that I'm reading to far into it. That I'm turning little things into signs. This isn't "he's just not that into you". HE WAS INTO ME!! but I am a retard! and now the opportunity has passed because WOW... I hate you Facebook.

P.S. I hope he doesn't read this. eek!

COSMO

soo... I haven't posted anything about my failing at dating because I've been so poet/writer addicted. So just before I clock in I'd like to share one.

When I first started working at Express, I decided to put some Cosmo article about flirting to the test. Honestly, I didn't think it would work because I have Retentive UDS, but it did! A lot of the key things the article suggested were eye contact, physical contact, attentive (using things he says in your next sentence). Little things that really get a guys attention. I couldnt believe it worked!

The first time i tried it on a midly attractive fellow and i mostly used eye contact and being attentive and if i tried a little harder i probably could have gotten a number but I wasn't single yet so that would not have been good.

I miss my COMPUTER!!!

So... I've been posting via ipad and phone recently because my computer is buuhrrroken!!! n I miss it ever so much.

''
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...

SORRY I got disstracted by american idol and OMG... WHY ARE THEY LIP SINGING!?!?!?! LAME!!!!

James Durben u should have been a finalist. I love my country boy but James was better. I think I'll come back to this after American Idol

I AM UPSET!!!!

Lauren should have won!

Anyway, I miss my computer. Blogging and Facebook and watching shows on hulu and stuff would be sooo much easier... I have a lot to say. like the conversation i had with my uncle the other day. and other fail moments none that happened recently but yeah... ok i need to sleep.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

I finished it. I had time to kill and I sat down with it and I like it! I hope you do too!

UDS


You are so hot! Is not something I hear very often. I heard it a lot as a kid followed by my mom telling me I was running a fever. I hear cute, a lot. You are so cute! Is annoying, because some woman is simultaneously pinching your cheeks; which by the way, I hate. Yes, they are chubby. Yes, its cute. No, they are not public property, don't touch me.

Cute, is also what a guy says when you're not 'pretty'. Thank God I'm a bitch because I'd hate to be nice. We all know what nice means. No one wants to say it out loud but 'nice' means - actually I don't want to be the to say it out loud either. It's like one step down from cute and cute isn't that much of an upgrade. It goes: nice, cute, pretty, hot and sexy I think is in it's own little category right because you can be cute and sexy. Then theres all the other rankings and combinations, but if I had to break it down into classes those would be mine.

Iyeoka - The Yellow Brick Road Song (Fairly Legal Theme)

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIykDz7NI2s&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This is the first feature from last night!

LOVE LOVE LOVE

C-Live Impossible

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LihpaibwTO4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

VIRAL!!!!

i want this guy to blow up!!! he's gna b tight!!!

Poetic Adventures

Ok, first, I swear my GPS is actualy trying to kill me. She sent me on this huge U-turn adventure theoretically to get to the lounge faster but ummm NO... that was not he case. At first I was like well I guess this is ok, I have time to kill and it's scenic, you know, until IT WASN'T. Seriously, I was driving through ghetto and back allies. The little version of my mom that I keep in my head, that causes me to sometimes be a paranoid freak, was yelling at me. First of all, for turning onto a street name stocker. I pronounce it stalker, GPS lady says stoker for some reason. Why do I trust a woman that can't read? And not to be sexist but why is a woman giving me directions? I'm not too sure what I did to my GPS chick, she's probably mad because I make fun of the way she says 'la cienega'. No joke she says "la see a niggah". Anyhoo, short story shorter I no longer trust my GPS lady.

OH! BUT THEN, on the way home I made a right instead of a left somewhere because I didn't want to use the GPS; like I said she wants me dead. Also, I was in LA. Who knows where that crazy woman was going to take me. Well, I ended up making a wrong turn and had to ask her for directions anyway. She thinks, she funny. She goes, 'turn left at la cienega'. I'm thinking 'ok really because I don't even see where or how I'm suppose to turn onto that street'. I honestly don't believe I could physically have done it. So I made a few asian female driver illegal turns and ended up going in the right direction. After I had driven waaaaay off course.

So I find the 10 freeway and I'm telling myself, 'go SW' and I get on the 10W. I figured I'd check with GPS (lets call her Gina) just in case I'm wrong and end up driving even further off course. Gina says, "exit refroferoff" (Robertson?) I forget the name of the street but as I'm exiting I caught a glimpse of the next few exits. What did I see? 'San Diego Freeway 2.5 miles' or however far it was. The point is I was trying to get to the 405 SAN DIEGO freeway and the crazy woman said to exit! WTF!?!?!?! NO JOKE, I checked the directions and where she wanted me to end up. It read 405S! It was right there!!! I didn't have to exit!!!

Whatever, I figured it out and I only had to drive like sereral miles out of the way to finally get home because Gina is out to get me. I DO NOT trust my GPS right now.

As far as going to an event solo? Yeah... I picked the wrong event to go to. It's like going to the movies alone you look like a loser but you get over it. I need to find a social event of an aquaintance so I can't just linger around him/her, because that's weird and he/she would get the wrong impression. Soooo...

Situation 1 - Ammended

Go to a social gathering alone.

The opportunity to go to this particular event alone was nice though. I got to work on my anxiety. Found out that Gina hates me and I shouldn't always trust her.

OH! There's a guy named Clive, his pieces never fail to amuse me. They made him do 'Impossible' again.. holy hell that shiz is so funny! "IMPOSSIBLE, OH! Nothing is impossible, I'm so ill I make this shit look easy. IMPOSSIBLE, OH!!". He also did some other piece, don't know what its called. But homies like "i mean back when we chiledren" hahahahaha "chiledren" who freaking says that!!! but it worked for his piece/song whatever.... this guy is going to blow up! Next big hit? I think so! I feel it in my BONES! I need to find his Facebook or something he's HI-larious!!

A woman named Ioca (like tapIOCA) was the first feature. Soo in love right now...

Writing, poetry, performance. This is the scene I need to be in and I'm so grateful to be in it. Next week, I challenge myself to get up on stage again. I'm so exccited!!! and nervous!!!

As promised

As promised I'm at the poetry lounge, alone. Literally caused pain in my heart and back.. had my hands shaking n I feel like dying!! BUT that couldd be because it's soo cold! So.. stay for both halves? We shall see what the even brings... so far.. my gps got me lost... and im having panic attacks.. grrrreat!

EEK!

Soooooo... Today's the day! I'm going to try going to an event alone. I'M FREAKING OUT!!! What am I going to do whilst I wait in line? ALONE! Where should I sit? Should I walk in with confidence like I don't give a rats ass that I'm alone or should I hide. I'm coming up with excuses NOT to go alone. What if my cousins want to go? They usually go with me. It's kind of our thing. I have a friend I haven't seen in a while that might want to go as well and it'd be nice to hang out with her. Seriously, any excuse will do.

My skin is crawling, my stomach's churning, death is eminent. I can feel it in my gut. Does everyone need to practice feeling alone or is it just me? It's kind of funny that I'd need to "practice" being alone. I'm the ONLY child of a single mother who lost her lover at the hands of another. so she threw herself entirely into raising her husband's 7 month old daughter having no time to find another lover. (Just wanted to throw that in... hahaha its a part of apiece Im working on)

OOPS! Back to work I go.

FU Facebook!

No. For real. I'm looking through facebook because I'm at PLCM TCC waiting for my aunt, who may or may no come by the way. Not too sure because no one can find her. In a world where EVERYONE has a cell phone, and I think even she has a cell phone, how is it that NO ONE knows where this woman is? She has FOUR kids SEVEN sibings and countless frineds but no one knows where the hell she is or how to get ahold of her WTF?

SORRY, I got side tracked. But like I said I'm waiting for my missing aunt to relieve me of my gma watching duties so I can sleep and go to work in the morning. So onto facebook I go and I realize that pretty much EVERYONE I KNOW is in some sort of relationship or another.

The universe is not making it easy for me to feel comfortable in my single woman skin. I'm what 2? maybe 3 days into my adventure and I already want to quit and FIND myself a man! Not wait for the man to magically appear because I've given up on love. I mean doesn't that sound like THE MOST retarded idea EVER? Sure previous methods weren't working, but waiting around for rain in the dessert during a drought is POINTLESS!

ARGHHH! I hate you! All of you and your happy relationships and mens and womens that you've found to cuddle with and be cute and sweet to and love and blah blah blah... you make it soo difficult to be single. ESP when YOU'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER!!!!

I need to find single friends, also trying to find themselves in their singularity. Does that defeat the purpose? Let's momentarily pretend it does't, yeah? Ok thanks!

I feel so alone!!! (Pulling at face Edvard Munch's The Scream status)

HAHAHA... Maybe you don't know me but chances are you do. So I hope you know that last line was loaded with sarcasm and was meant to be funny. Sigh.

I just need to go home and rest. This place is driving me crazy!!! The noises, the whiny roommates my Lola gets stuck with, inconsistent sleep. Uncomfortable chair, "she'll be coming 'round the mountain" playing every time someone tries to get out of bed. I'm not the patient type of person. I try, but seriously..... WHERE IS MY AUNT!!

UDS

It's my day off and I forgot to explain my Ugly Duckling Syndrome Theory. It's pretty self explanatory though right?

So basically, it's a syndrome that many a girl has these days. "Duckling," grows up being told that she's not the best looking girl or just never quite felt like the most gorgeous girl but then suddenly she becomes a "swan" and all the guys are after her. She doesn't know why because she doesn't realize how beautiful she is and no matter what others tell her she can't or won't believe it. It's great when she comes to terms with it and still keeps her humility.

There's also the girl who realizes that she's hot and really just takes off with it but inside there's still that lingering feeling that maybe she's still not hot, but she's going to be a conceited little twat anyway. Ugh, that kinda of UDS is bad!

Well, they're both bad in different ways I suppose, but it's the difference between anal retentive and anal expulsive. Hmmmm... good idea.

Retentive UDS - classification for the type of girl who keeps her humility. insecurities are obvious but does her best not to draw attention to them.

Expulsive UDS - classification for the type of girl that really explodes after she finds out how gorgeous she is. Has lingering insecurity issues masked by huge ego.

I'll add to that later. My gma's holding my hand and it's hard to type with just one hand.

Expansions to come...

First here's the beginnings of something I wrote. There's more to it but I've got to really sit down and finish writing it.

CEASAR - So embarrassing

If I was of the blushing persuasion I would have been Kool-Aid red. But instead I was a deeper shade of orange like burnt orange. It was ridiculous.

So again I was at work. And of course a cute guys walks in.

At first I was all nonchalant and I didn't care. Did the usual:

"Hi, how are you doing today? Is there anything I can help you find?"

"Yeah, I'm doing ok. I'm just looking for an outfit to go to Vegas. It's my first time."

"Wow, really? How old are you?"

"23. Yeah I know it's kind of embarrassing. I'm 23 and I've never been to Vegas"

blah blah blah...

Basically, he was asking what people usually wear to Vegas.

"Haven't you seen the Hangover? Pick one of those outfits." hahaha

So I proceed to show him the different styles of dress shirts that we have.

"Your basic dress shirt is the 1MX, the original and very first Express shirt. Then you have the MK2. Its the military style shirt with the breast pockets and epilettes. And the last one the is the TX8...."

So this is where the failure begins. I was trying to explain that the best part about the TX8 is that they don't have buttons they have snaps. Which means they can be put on quickly. That's the sales pitch at least. The Texas 8, can be snapped up within 8 seconds. Only I couldn't a find shirt that was already unsnapped, which was odd because customers NEVER resnap/button up the shirts after they try them on. So I decided to unsnap a shirt and show him... FAIL!!!

FAILing at work - JAMES

Since I haven't yet had the opportunity to test out my scenario and I need to keep up with this or I'll just forget and stop, I would like to tell a story. A true amusing story, just so I know that you know or understand how much I fail at dating... there are sooo many though, which should I tell first?

JAMES - Should've said yes

I QUIT

People say, "once you stop looking for love, love finds you". I have spent an entire year and a half NOT looking and where has that got me? I'm still single. So I took a look at the past year of my "dating" life. I, like most women, was lying to myself. I wasn't blatantly trying to find someone, but I did kind of dive right into the dating world when my relationship ended. I kept telling myself and every guy I met, "I'm not looking for anything right now, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not ready for another one". How can that woman be looking for love? She's a damn liar!
So this year, I QUIT. That's not to say that I won't go on dates; which isn't to say that anyone's asking. Just, no set ups, no being aggressively single. Although, I've never seen myself as the "aggressively single" type. I know people who are and they're amazing; how do you do that? They only ever stay single for like TWO weeks and BAM another love interest then WHAM they're in another relationship. You serial daters are INSANE!!! and cool. But I'm not that girl, I think, I could be lying, again. For that, I'm sorry, in advance.
Back to the point. No set ups. No looking for the finest guy in the room and secretly trying to get his attention. Just walk into every situation trying to finally be comfortable in your own single woman skin. And for once in my life believe in the feigned confidence because I have every right to be confident enough to walk into a room alone.

Situation 1: Go to events solo.

To finally force myself to be comfortable in my singularity.

I ALWAYS have to bring a crew (CUZZO!!) so I don't feel like a loser when I walk into a room alone. So, going to events solo is the adventure at hand. Shows, gigs, whatever. We'll see how my skin feels then and I'll get back at you!

Be well!

PTgreey <3