On Staying

Hey. Remember when I said I loved you, and I lied. I swear I didn’t mean it; the lie, not the love. I fully intended to love you. I went through all the emotions. Forced myself to feel the pains but it turns out my love was lame. As in lying broken and defeated.

Somehow, through all the lies your love was true. I could see it running deep in you. I wanted to run to it too but I ran from it. You scared the bejesus out of me getting down on one knee proposing that we should marry. How unfair would that be? You loving all of me.

I guess I didn’t love you see, I loved you like: get your ass out of bed. I can’t date a fool and your mom is breathing down my neck because you haven’t graduated yet.

I should have loved you like: Stay, stay. Don’t you ever go away. I want our future to always be this way.

But my GPA was dropping and I was losing focus in all this hocus pocus. Still I stayed loving you like:

It’s your birthday and we’re going to do it big because I’m so grateful to have you for another year. Like everything you want to do is a big deal so I made sure we got there on time for all your friends and family to yell surprise.

Maybe, I should have played it cool, loved a little more like you on my birthday. “We’ll get there when we get there”. So when we finally get there; to the birthday party I planned and paid for. To see the guest that arrived on time three hours ago, it wouldn't have been a big deal.

See I was, a week before Valentine’s day I said, “Baby, can we just have a picnic? I don’t really feel like going out. I just want you, me, the dog, a PB sandwich, a good book, and a shady tree.

You, wonderful boyfriend that you were, yelled “Do you know where the hell we live? It’s the middle of winter and you want to have a picnic just because you think it’s romantic; when really you’re just going to be cold”.

But really I just wanted to be cheap.

So at that moment I loved you like: Fine, we can eat at Cheesecake Factory but I’m ordering the most expensive thing and dessert and, OH I’m not sharing AND you’re not getting laid.

So I left. I didn’t think you should settle for just me. But your love was infectious begging “Stay, don’t you ever go away. I need my future to always be this way”.

But my grandfather was dying and I really needed to be with my family first, but you needed someone to keep you up at night to help you get through midterms and finals so I made an exception and stayed. Will my life always be this way?

For one moment please stop talking about what we could be. Just please look forward I will still be what you need me to be the sounding board of generosity but I cannot be what you want of me, I’ve got too much life left to live in me and you left so little life in me. I can’t be the glue that makes you, you. So I loved you like stay, you can always be this way. Please be a man and let me walk away.

I can’t go back to that so I blatantly rip your heart out again to show you all the parts only you can mend. So we can go back to being friends unless that creates another mess.

Then I’ll love you like I lied, but believe me I tried.