Bah!

I don't know what to name this.

This whole year, well since I started this blog, the focus has been about dating, but why? Every guy I met was being analyzed for his potential to be the next guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. What have I gotten from this? An inability to keep good people in my life as friends. I've hurt people because I'm standing at a distance analyzing his qualities and potential to be my perfect man. I've pushed people away for fear that they might get too attached because I refused to get attached because the points aren't adding up (don't pretend like you don't have a point system, I know I'm not alone in this). It seems like that's what everyone's been doing though, they call this dating.
Meet someone. Like the one. BAM! Instant relationship after just a few weeks of dating. Then a couple months later you're surprised to find that you're actually not that into each other. WELL DUH! You only knew the person for so long until you decided he/she was the love of your life. When did you take a step back and really get to know this person. I'm not saying super over analyze the situation like I did, but just get to know a person. See if you can just be comfortable as friends even.
Yeah, I get that no one wants to be in the friend zone, but seriously, if the attraction is still there and you guys have gotten to know each other enough that barriers have fallen and you're completely comfortable with one another as friends that's got to count for something, no? However, if you end up being great friends and the attraction is lost you're still left with a great friend. Wouldn't you rather still have that? Instead of having to go through that awkward break up stage and potentially lose a friend? Isn't it better to find out if you're compatible before you start dating? Why risk the heart ache? Yes, you risk falling for someone who might not fall for you but - Okay. I just realized how ridiculous that logic is. BUT I still stand by that first half, the second half admittedly needs work and more thought.
I just, I miss my friends. People I felt comfortable enough to be myself around. To just hang out and be ridiculous with. I don't even want to date anymore. I just want them back. Yes, I miss the comforts that come with dating a guy and having a boyfriend, but more than that, I miss hanging out. I miss talking. I miss not having to worry if this is a date or not. If I have to be on my perfect best behavior or not. Why does dating have to be so complicated?
I don't want to end up in serial 3 month relationships. I know myself, but now I'm doubting myself. My ways of dating are being challenged by the norm. By what people expect from me. I have met so many nice guys that would have, should have, could have been good enough. I just don't feel like good enough, is enough. Good enough sounds like settling.
Of course there is no such thing as perfect. I just want to be able to stand the quirks. How will I know if I can stand them if I'm not allowed to get to know you until we're dating?
My rule of three is silly and stupid, but it makes sense for me. I shouldn't and will no longer apologize for it. Honestly, it'd be for the best, relationship wise, that I stick it through. I need to stop compromising because I'm scared of hurting someone. I need to learn to trust myself again, so it'll stop being so hard to trust other people. I need to go back to the days when I'd friend zone myself.
Especially now that I'm back in school. My focus isn't dating anymore. My focus is my future, and myself. I can't completely run away form the dating world. I'm not even trying to recluse from it, but can't we just be friends for bit? I don't trust you, or anyone, not even myself. How do you expect me to function properly in a relationship?
Part of it is also that I identify as the single girl. I don't know how to be a we and currently I don't plan on changing that. Maybe eventually someone will come along that changes it for me, but it's going to take a whole lot of time and patience, so good luck. I imagine it'll be a long gradual frustrating confusing move from friendship to something more and suddenly I'll forget to focus on I and somewhere we will just fall into place.

Sounds like the beginning of another good poem. I'd try to stay on that track and bust one out but I still have homework which I'm forgoing because someone asked for this post.

Back to the grind.

*SideNote* Not only do I not trust you, but I am thoroughly terrified by the thought of you. You being this fictional being that may or may not come into my life. I'm scared that in the process of me fighting you to the bitter end and refusing to give in, you'll give up. How could I blame you? There would be no one else at fault but myself. Fear has a firm grasp on my heart. It is jailed. What's more, it feels safe. Fear has taught my heart well, given me the key and bade me lock the door from inside. Where, even after fear has let go its grasp and hope has won over my self-caged heart must still be convinced to unlock the door and step out. What a battle. Who would fight for that? When even I would walk away from that.

Under Construction

I've come to the conclusion that my broken doesn't love as well as my whole did. I love in pieces now, without having to give myself up completely. At any rate, I only have pieces of myself to give and I am reluctant to give them away freely. I envy those that can. Those who are able to rebuild quickly and begin again without building up an extra wall of protection or putting up more guards. So this is where I stand. Scared. Confused. Reluctant.

Under Construction

There is a sign he cannot read
Though it was fashioned to be seen from a distance
to ward off those who might dare fight through the resistance

But now, for the brave and the few
to get into view of this sign, which is heavily guarded
He must trek through a forest
lush with attraction and cut through the tension
that feeds on flirtation growing like moss over friendship

Parched and thirsty
he will wander a desert of loss
Where mirages of hope hover just beyond reach
and few will ever get through it
He might see some still lost and confused
staring and yearning for reciprocation

Should he find a way out
he shall be greeted with blue
from an ocean of tears
that I've cried for years
for those that have since departed

At the end of that set, he might be met
by the frozen chill of cold shouldered rejection
or razor winds that tear at skin
pushing back, beating down his persistence

Beyond that still are grasslands and hills
where bulls are left to roam freely
So watch out for the feces
they are potent and destructive
laid out with mines full of excuses

At last he will come to a post that reads
"come not too close"
and from here,
past the guards, heavily armed
and the snipers on walls,
There is a sign fashioned to be seen from a distance
to ward off those who might dare approach
a woman scared of his existence

Grant

People should never delete their work, you never know how it will inspire you in the future or someone else right now! You're cute and I'm so glad/thankful that you shared this with me. =)

Complete

By Grant

Meeting you I feel complete

When I'm around you my heart skips a beat

This feeling surrounds me oh so deep

If I had never met you I would weep

Meeting you I feel complete

My life pulling me into the deep

Confused by all your bleeps

And this feeling I wish to keep

Taking a chance (Puppy Love)

I have rules. I have guidelines, you know? I follow them pretty strictly, except for when I don't, which is more often than I'd like. Not too long ago I told my friend that rules were meant to be broken. I told her that the we're all looking for the one person who is the exception to the rule. Now tell me that isn't true.

Maybe I'm just rationalizing as I so often do, but I feel safe. I don't feel scared or terrified to take this leap. So I'm adding an addendum to my rules. If they break more three or more rules and you still want to test the waters, then break every rule, but do so with caution. However, don't hold it against him if you get hurt. You decided to continue down this path. A path you knew full well had the potential to do massive harm, but you kept right on it because you also knew, if it worked out, it had the potential to be amazing. Who wants to regret amazing?

There's huge risks involved in dating the man who breaks all the rules, but without risks there can be no great rewards. I may still be broken and healing, but I will not allow my broken to keep me from what might be the best thing to ever happen to me. That would be the saddest thing of all. To find myself alone because I married myself to fear.

Here's a little something I started working on last night. Still a work in progress but I'm already falling in love with it.

Puppy Love

You speak in definites
Like this is truth
and will be forever
Child, you have not learned how short forever is
But I want to believe
So I let you speak indefinitely

You are declarative
Professing eternal love
As if it could be granted like a wish
Youth, knows not how fleeting love is
Or that wishes made by Genie come with consequence
I know this - still I breath them in

You look like trust
Like promises never break
Like they are made of sturdy
Like looks aren't deceiving
Only innocence thinks this can't get dirty
But I want to make this work

I will give in to your definites
Listen to you declarative
Find faith in your trust
I will open doors and drop bridges
Let you see past the stitches
Not run and hide

If you promise
Simply promise
You will not treat my heart like a joke
Or see my surrender and choke

Do not lead me on with a hoax
But be certain
For I am too grown to want to start again
once you've learned how love can fade
in the short amount of time forever gave

The Holiday Blues Relapse

Singles Awareness Day. Also known as Valentine's Day. The one day of the year that couples get to swoon over each other because some guy named Valentine died for people's rights to marry during a time of war. I love that they teach that in school. Then we forget that fact immediately after because that's not what Valentine's Day is about! It's not about celebrating a man that was martyred for couples everywhere. Apparently, no holiday is about the martyrs that sacrifice themselves so that we can spend entirely too much money on each other, I mean celebrate our love for each other. These days the holiday's are about people spending an exorbitant about of money on each other. But this day especially, is about buying presents and chocolate and flowers and mad crazy displays of public affection that will make the closest single person gag. It's a month long holiday relapse for the single person.

Just when you were settling into the new year, beginning to once more feel comfortable in your singlelarity, February rears its ugly head. Now it's another month of wondering what's wrong with you because you're the only person NOT celebrating Valentine. Wait. Scratch that. You're the only one ACTUALLY celebrating Saint Valentine. That wonderful helpless romantic Saint! Set of Saints? Did you know there were many a Christian martyr named Valentine? Did you know that the Saint we celebrate is a myth and a legend and not entirely founded in fact? Did you know it's just one more story Christian's told to "Christianize" a "pagan ritual"?* Did you know I was raised Catholic? But I digress, what else is new?

Where was I? Singles Awareness Month. S.A.M. Singles Holiday Blues Depression Relapse Month. One more month of friends and family kindly reminding you're still not mated, and then asking you why this is so. You had a whole month and a half to find someone before this day arrived, why didn't you? As if it were that easy! If it were that easy, you would have been mated during the actual holidays instead of moping around like a love sick puppy.

So tomorrow, while the world celebrates each other and their ability to have found a significant other, you, by you I clearly mean I, shall celebrate the fact that after tomorrow there isn't another romantic holiday for months. Also, summer is coming. Couples may get Winter, Spring, and Fall, but Summer is for the single. Get ready to mingle singles our time is coming!!!

Then again you're reading the rant of a hopeless romantic cast into the world of singleness by choice and being entirely too picky about the people she chooses to date because of a refusal to settle.

*Did you know I did most of my research WHILE I wrote this and the questions came from a place of my mind being blown by the "facts" or LIES my teachers told me and continue to tell our youth. My world is shattered!**
**KIDDING!!!

These are the websites I checked: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day and http://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day 

As you can see I used more than one source and they are both ever so credible. I trust The history Channel, don't you?

Pick up lines

Pick up lines

I tire of your humor
I tire of your show
I’m sick of all the stupid knowledge
You always seem to know
I’m done with all the criticism
Flowing from your throat
I feel that it’s important
To require that you note
Your irritating manner
Will cause me to reject
All your lame advances
To get my number set

More Dessert

Where we left off:

“Well I imagine your thoughts are worth getting lost in.” Then he smiles this boyish smile like he couldn’t believe he had just said that and now I’m completely captivated.

“Yeah, maybe not as interesting as you might think.”

“Try me”

“Don’t you have a final to study for?”

“Actually I’m a T.A. I’ll be giving the final not taking it but I’ve seen you here before and,” nervous laughter, clearing throat? “I guess I just - I mean -“ Shall I just put you out of your misery? I smile as he fumbles for the right words. 

“You know I could use a cup of coffee, do you know a good place around campus?”

----


He did, he knew a few actually which made my life a little difficult because I'm indecisive. But it was cold so I picked the closest one. He lied and said it was his favorite but it didn't matter because I was caught up in his gorgeous. The uncertain way he pulled at one of the straps of his backpack. The awkward way he put his hands in his front pockets and hunched over. The decisive manner he ordered his drink. It's strange how he can be that confident and act so unsure of himself at the same time but I was hooked. His dark hair framed his face well and a strong well structure face it was. I could have beautiful babies with this man.

"What did you want to drink?", he asked.

"Oh, do they have chamomile?" I said that as if I was being snapped out of a dream. Geeze, why is it so hard to focus when I'm staring at you?  Honestly, why did I ask for coffee when I prefer tea? Don’t get me wrong, I'm very proud of you, Mara. Way to think on your feet and come up with that so quickly but you don't even drink coffee anymore.

“They don’t have chamomile but they have this calm tea, its pretty good. How does that sound?”

"Yeah, the calming one is fine too. It's basically the same thing, right? Yeah that's fine. Thanks!" Naturally, I fumble through my bag to find my wallet and pay but he's already paid. "You didn't have to do that. I could have gotten it."

"It was like three dollars, not a big deal. You can get the next one if it means that much to you." Then he smiles this devious little smile as if to say; you could try to pay next time but I'd never let you. He lets that sentence hang on the corner of his mouth for a while. Mostly because he doesn't even realize it's there. I don't tell him. I like how it lingers on his face. Like a kid trying so hard to keep a secret.

“Well thank you. I’ve got the next one for sure.” I won’t pop his bubble but I will let him know I’d like to see him again. 
He leaves to get our drinks and when he comes back we pick up the conversation where it left off. We don’t even skip a beat. We were discussing literary quality in today's newest novels, or shall we say lack of quality. I'm not even sure if I remember his name at this point, but his voice is soothing. It sits in the lower register and hums. Definitely a baritone but not Barry White lulling you into his bedroom deep. It just has a distinct manly quality to it. How do his students stay awake? How do the girls focus? What was his name? Ian? Aidan! Aidan something... 

It's about time I stopped staring and interject. I'd hate for him to think I wasn't paying attention, or worse aloof 
"I love that movies are taking inspiration from books these days but it's starting a literary trend of 'made for screen production books' instead of noteworthy novels. When was the last time you read a book that was thought provoking and not just provocative or heart wrenching?"
Hurray for multitasking. Do other people do this too? I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to a stranger for this long and had the conversation flow so well – except – he had stopped talking. I hate when that happens it’s like someone suddenly put a spot light on you and then the sweat happens and that’s just not cute “What?”

He’s staring at me like - like I’m cheesecake that hasn’t quite set yet but he’s willing to wait patiently.

“Nothing, you’re just adorable. How do you fit in that chair like that?
 He was referring to the way I brought my legs into the chair Indian style and still fit perfectly in the armed chair. I cupped my tea in both hands took a sip and allowed them to settle in my lap. "I don't know it's easy."
He scoffs at the idea of it being easy for him and proceeds to attempt the inconcevable.
"Please, stop!" We're both laughing hysterically at this point and he's still trying to fit himself Indian style in the chair. In between laughter i manage to say, "Oh my goodness you're going to hurt yourself. Stop." Then as if we had been friends forever, as if the motion wouldn't mean a thing, I involuntarily reached out and placed my hand on his knee to make him stop. He let his hand cover mine and our eyes locked. This is cheesecake, God give me patience to let it set this could be the best dessert yet.