Growth is painful

I've been learning a lot about how I love this year, which is very a pros po considering I dubbed this the year of love. Growth in general is hard. My friends and I were just talking about it at breakfast today. Growth requires pain. When we're younger and we experience "growing pain" it's physically agonizing. Our bodies are literally ripping apart stretching our muscles and bones. Of course some have more painful experiences than other but those are often the ones who experience incredible growth spurts. I don't remember having growing pains when I was younger. Not physically anyway. I'm also very short, even for a girl. I did have a lot of headaches and emotionally painful experiences so I'd like to think I'm more emotionally mature than others when I allow myself to experience that side of myself. I guess I've just been doing a lot of growing this year. The universe has seen fit to challenge, not only myself, but also a lot of my close friends. The universe is crazy sometimes. This year I've been saying this one saying A LOT: "The universe is very generous in it's lessons. If you cannot learn it the first time the universe will continue to grant you lessons until you do." Often times though, the second lesson is harder than the first. It doesn't get easier. I've heard the universe this year. I'm just not ready to begin the work to demonstrate that the lesson has been learned. Be patient with me Uni. I appreciate the faith you have in my ability to grow, but there have been many lessons this year. This body of work is fragile.

----
Anywho,  I was going to post something old because I wasn't quite sure if I was ready to post this yet. Which is a clear sin that I should definitely post it. (Discomfort = growth). So here it is.

In response: "I can't imagine what it would be like to love someone you knew wasn't going to stay."

SNOWFLAKE

This love is a snowflake

Not because it is unique

But because it  is fleeting

We saw that from the start

Still we opened up our hearts

We knew better

Maybe we just need each other

Something temporarily permanent to hold onto

Grounding us to this moment

To feel like we belonged

To someone or something

Before the world became unraveled

Or is it as simple as we are lonely

We need someone to fill our empty spaces

Lately, we've been asking for more concrete than melting ice

While we dissolve into more temporary than permanent

We can't help it

It's all just slipping through our fingers

We watch

The snowflake slowly ebbing away

We wait

For the right time to let go

We hope

It isn't any time soon

We feel

The cold of the water through our gloves

We know we still need each other

We're still lonely

We would rather have something temporary to belong to

We would rather melt into each other if it would fill our empty places

Grounding us in this moment

Preparing us for the moment

Maybe all love is a snowflake

Because it is fleeting

And we are all snowballs

Taking and giving

Tumbling down a mountain

We just fall

Inspired - Roger Rabbit

I don't know what it is about being surrounded by artistic people, but it always gets my juices flowing. I went back and looked at some of my old work and this one made me smile.

A few years ago I was watching Roger Rabbit and I was inspired by his letter to his wife.

My darling Jessica,

How do I love thee? 

Let me count the ways. 

One one thousand. 

Two one thousand. 

Three one thousand.

Lover,

I promise to never play patty cake with another

For me there is no other

You are where my soul comes to rest 

Put me through any test

I attest that without you my life is a big 'ol mess

That's not true

But I Confess to wanting nothing more 

     than my head on your chest and your arms around my waist

I want to feel you, I want to smell you

Yeah, I said I want to smell you

I want your musk on my skin 

I want to breathe you into my lungs

I want to taste you, ingest you

digest your very essence 

Your presence is toxic and I'm sick from you

For real my stomach's turning and churning 

The butterflies cause my heart to sigh 

There is no cure 

since I could never be sick of you or the illness that is you

Now that I found you 

I realize that the revenue most dear to me is that you're still here with me. 

I'm craving you like a junkie on the streets 

or a seven year old kid who needs sweets

I got to have you in every which way I'm allowed to

I want to take every piece of you in 

because not love you in a sin

And on facebook I became a fan of you 

because there is no button for how completely in love I am with you

You inspire me to keep writing this poetry

Now that's one, two, three, four one thousand

For however long it takes to convince you

I'll start again

Lover.

Eulogy - Hands

Howdy,

I recently experienced a loss and the big BIG emotions that come with it (i.e. grief, depression, sadness). The feelings still creep up on me from time to time and remind me of the great loss I experienced. The huge gaping emptiness that was left behind when she was taken from our family. Death and loss are things I have dealt with my whole life, but this one was devastating. Even a picture that suggest a memory is enough to bring me back to that difficult emotional state. Clearly I'm still grieving. I think it's important to normalize that though. How people grieve and for however long it takes for the grief to ebb away is their path and their journey. We cannot judge. Each loss is different and takes it's toll in various ways. This one is emotionally exhausting. Mostly because I haven't really fully allowed myself to feel everything. WHY? because I'm a scaredie cat! As a therapist I would ask my client what they were so afraid of. I'm afraid of falling apart and it would be devastating and I might struggle to get my pieces back together. I'm just not ready. If I let that feeling out of the box lord only knows what else will come out of Pandora's box.  At any rate the point of my writing all this is my eulogy. It was the hardest thing in the world to write and even harder to speak in front of the people who loved her every bit as I did. I wanted to post it because she was an amazing woman and her legacy deserves to be shared. Here you go.

Hands

When my mother asked me to write Lola’s eulogy, I said yes, with trepidation.  How am I supposed to capture everything this woman meant to so many people in one short speech?  Moreover, how am I supposed to speak it without falling apart? After days of avoiding the tasks and the various emotions that come with it. I realized I can’t. I won’t. More importantly it’s not necessary. Lola was so much to so many people. Her legacy speaks for itself and will live far beyond any of us. So I’ll just say goodbye as eloquently as I can.

Five years ago when Lola first had her stroke, it consumed over half her brain and left her less able bodied than she was accustomed to. She remained in the hospital for about two months as we waited for her recovery.  Even in that state of disrepair, in her state of need, she covered me with blankets when I laid in bed with her. She held my hands reassuringly as if to comfort me as I struggled with the heartbreak of seeing her bed ridden.

I see and feel her hands when I think about her now.  Which is a lot lately. When I was younger her hands were firm and tough, they doled out punishments effectively and as fairly as she could. Lola’s hands taught valuable lessons about perseverance, independence, faith, love, and family.  Her hands were calloused from life and play because she lived a full life without fear or regret that I was allowed to see.

Lola’s hands were fragrant and bejeweled even when she was getting ready for bed, because, as she explained it, “you never know who you’re going to meet in your dreams.” Her hands were open, generous, and selfless.  She provided for her family, neighbors, and strangers.  She gave willingly from what she had available without pause. Whether it was money, her time, or shelter, Lola would provide what she could without hesitation. As I grew older, her hands became soft and playful. They reminded me to enjoy life. To gallivant and adventure now that I had completed school and begun my career. 

It’s strange how a pair of hands can be so much, and that’s just one piece that I will miss. I haven’t even begun to discuss her infectious laughter and joyful smile; or her endearingly curious nature, nor the ease in which she made friends of strangers. There is not enough time. There will never be enough time to enumerate the many ways she has affected me.

At the beginning of this eulogy, I said I was going to say goodbye as eloquently as I could. So I want to end with a story, a suggestion, and a letter. If you don’t know me, I am a mental health therapist and I recently assisted a client to deal with her grief by asking her to look past me and tell her deceased grandmother everything she wished she could have said before her grandmother passed.  It was such a powerful experience to be a part of her healing.  I watched her sigh a breath of relief as she let go of the words and the heavy emotions she had been holding onto for years since her grandmother’s passing.  As we explored her relationship with her grandmother further, we found that she had already said goodbye to her grandmother before she passed. So if you have any words left unsaid, I encourage you to do the same. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to speak to my Lola now:

Dear Lola,

I can only hope that I have an ounce of your grace and goodness.  I strive to be everything you believed I could be and to never disappoint you.  Lola, I wish you could have met my future husband so that he would know the durability of the cloth I was cut from.  I wish my children could have met you and learned from you as I did.  I wish you could have held them so they could know what it felt like to be in the presence of a powerful matriarch. Thank you for loving me as fiercely as you did.  For teaching me about my culture.  Thank you for accepting me as I am without condition.  Thank you for instilling me with strong family values.  I will carry your legacy of kindness, love, faith, generosity, strength, perseverance, fearlessness, and sense of adventure with me always.  I’m so grateful to have had a Lola like you.

See you soon. I love you. Good Bye.

Inconsistency

HALLO!!!

Don't really know who's reading this, but I obviously suck at being consistent.  I looked at my last blog... hahahaha... It's so interesting to look back at the person I have grown from.  What's going on in life recently:

I love my job!
I have amazing friends.
My job pushes me above and beyond the person I thought I could become.
I'm so grateful.

I recently started writing again because of a client.  I debated posting it but, I really like this one.  I have to re write it because we both agreed to write in from another person's perspective.  That's going to be a very difficult and tearful poem to write.  Bring on the growth!

Anywho, I hope y'all enjoy this.

The children of Legend

We were raised on Legend,
by parents with tragic stories
a Lola with an untamable heart
and, if we were lucky, an absentee grandfather.
At a time when child abuse was strictly enforced
rather than regulated.
In a city divided by colors, red and blue.

We were raised, all of us
by parents who worked, or played, or didn't care too much.
So we mothered and fathered ourselves
Exploring the world like gypsies
just far enough to get home first.

We were raised on Legend
less than a block away from the liquor store
We fed ourselves with spare change.
Even our little eyes could see
it was left to us to create change.

We were raised on bus ride adventures with Lola
who did not teach us stranger danger.
we became expert extroverts
despite our inward natures.
She taught us to look both ways before breaking the law
We are not snakes
and families eat together to be together.

On Legend, we became resilient creatures
who came together in crisis, value honesty, trust, faith, and growth
Creatures who support each other
like pillars or roots grounded deep in sturdy soil.

We were raised by Legend
to live wild and adventurous lives
to have fire and drive
to thrive where others merely survive
We are the child of Legend.

P.S.

Dear John,

I know you still read this from time to time.  You should stop. I hope you every happiness in the world.  I have no intention of loving you the way I did in the past. I have no intention of allowing you to hurt me again.  I'm grateful for the growth.  As I've said in the past, I'm moving on.

For the last and final time.  Good Bye.

New Adventure.

I keep saying I'll come back to this, but I can't bring myself to write the way I used to.  I'm starting a new adventure though.  I won't be linking it to this site.  Suffice it to say that it's a bit taboo... Let's see if it kick starts my creative juices and some intriguing stories!









---
P.S.

Dear John,

I know you read this from time to time.  I don't know when the last time you read it was.  You should know.  I'm so angry with you.  One of the last times we spoke I said I'd post this:

"#1 reason I'm still single, I'm still in love with you. "

The thing is, you're still in love with me too.  Despite the fact that you're seeing someone new now because timing is everything and we have THE WORST timing when it comes to wanting to be together, I know you still love me.  I keep thinking back to out movie, Serendipity and some of the last things we said to each other.  Maybe someday I'll finally move on and then you'll come waltzing in like the jackass you are and completely turn my life upside down again.  I hope I'd have the courage to walk away from you.  Or maybe we'll both get the timing right, but of course we'll both be hesitant to try again.  I hope I have the presence of mind to truly think about what that would mean.

Forever yours...

[Your Name Here]

[Your Name Here]

Young child,
Open the dictionary
Write your name in it
     and define yourself
Before anyone else gets a chance
Believe me, this world intends to
     and they will not be kind

Others would make you adjective
     for the sake of objectifying you
They will lust at you
Make you to blame
and list you as synonym to shameful

Before you allow that
Proclaim yourself Noun
Create in your body a Person
     so they may not turn you into a
          place to land
               or
          thing to be owned


#instablog #blogram


I'm still working on the rest of it, but I wanted to post this.  Who knows when I'll finish it.  I've been writing this for some time now.  The right words will come.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice

I will not sacrifice my woman

            for your Manhood

I have worked long and hard

            to create the personage you see before you

I will not make myself less

            for you to feel more

I have no dominion over your ability to become

            Man

And I will not sacrifice my woman for you

-----

Just a little something I'm working on.  I have a few other things in the works as well but this is something I know I'm going to fall in love with.