Tired

Is it so bad to want to actually settle down already? At 25?

Seriously, I'm tired of this dating world it just makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I'm too picky. But I have every right to be, no? Why do I always feel like such a man when I date around. OR Why does that matter? I know if I were a guy doing the things I'm doing it wouldn't matter but being of the other gender I find myself censoring my actions. No, don't do that it isn't lady like.You really shouldn't act that way, men won't find you attractive. I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore.

You know when people tell you to be single so you can "find out what you want" or "figure out who you are". Well, I wish they also told you what to do afterwards.What is to be done with all the knowledge you've gathered on your journey to enlightenment? This is the stalemate I've reached. Just a bit over two years of "finding myself" and "figuring out what I want" has left me completely aware of who I am and what I want. However, it has also left me alone, still, and tired.

I never realized how many Mr. Right now's there were in the world.

Why is it so hard to find a connection, a true honest connection on every level and an attraction of a compelling, not to be confused with lustful, nature regardless of looks or bank roll. Not that I've ever been a shallow gold digging woman. But, where are the men with ambition? Not the men chasing greed and wealth. But the men with dignity and loyalty? Is it really too much to ask for the kind guy who'll open doors for you and pay for your dates (even if I pay for the movie and you pay for the dinner) AND still be moderately physically attractive. I can't believe how much I took all that for granted when I was younger, chivalry.

Media is teaching men to suppress their gallant and chivalrous nature and telling women that somehow, that isn't what they're looking for. Then because women are so accustom to dating assholes they don't know what to do when they meet a true to life nice guy and they break him and an asshole is born. Same with men, they've forgotten what a real woman looks and acts like so when they find one they take advantage and take for granted, thus a good woman is broken and the cycle continues. The nice gal is broken by the asshole and thus becomes the bitch who breaks the good guy who becomes the asshole blah blah blah.

In all this ranting I just realized. I'm not sure if I'm putting up defenses and thus not allowing myself to feel the connection or if there just really isn't a connection. I'm horrible!! Grrrr!!!

Actually, my friend asked me a question and it was just the right question to drag the truth out. Damn.

I know I'm random. Why are you friends with such a strange person?!! Sheesh!